These past few weeks, for the first time since we started this journey, I haven't been focused on where we are in the process, how long the dark tunnel ahead is, or how far away the light at the end of that tunnel is. Rather, I am starting to wonder how much longer I am going to be able to keep this up physically and emotionally.
At first blush, this seems like a rather selfish thought, but it isn't. I am beginning to realize that, though nobody can care for him as I do, the commitment to "love, honor, and cherish, for better or worse, in sickness and in health" might be better accomplished in partnership with professionals at some point down the road. This is a difficult thing to admit to your stubborn self, even when you've known all along that it was a probability.
Sometimes, as my friends and family remind me often, the hardest thing to do is to make the right decision for your loved one and for yourself. What good will I be to him if I am clinging to sanity and/or health by my fingernails? And when will I know if I'm reaching that point? I have some benchmarks penciled in for myself, but will I recognize them when they happen? Or will I be delusional and feeling perfectly safe? These are valid questions.
This has been a year of steep cognitive declines, personality changes, and care requirements. But I look at him across the kitchen table, focused for the last five minutes on building something unknowable with large Legos, then staring out the window and stroking his beard, then wiggling his eyebrows at me when he notices I'm looking at him.
My heart warms and I smile. And I put those thoughts away for one more day. Or at least for now.
Thank you for sharing this. I've been going through an assessment, too. Not in the same place you are, but realizing that more and more responsibilities are coming my way. So I am divesting myself of things....things that were a joy but are now a burden, like the garden, the raspberry patch, the fruit trees, the materials I saved for future sculptures. Getting old means letting go.....
ReplyDeleteYes, we do find that our world gets smaller (at least for a time). If something no longer brings you joy, it's time to let it go. But nobody can make the decision about that timing but you! I read somewhere that we spend the first 2/3 of our lives accumulating "stuff"...and the last third getting rid of it all. Perspective is important, isn't it?
DeleteI know that I have no idea what you've had to deal with so far. How difficult this road has been. But from what little I've seen, I'm amazed and greatly encouraged by your strength. Frankly, I was surprised when I realized you were doing this without other caregivers. The thing I'm dreading most in our situation is getting to the point where I can't do it anymore. You are helping me to realize that I can do more than I think I can. And that, friend, is a huge encouragement. Tears for you both, and much love.
ReplyDeleteMike, thank you so much for your encouragement. We can do what we have grace to do, and that's all we can do. So, do your research (as I know you are already doing), and cut yourself some slack. The road is different for each person, but the path is the same. Blessings to you, my friend!
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