This disease!
It's like dying a thousand deaths
Haunted by the past
Haunted by the present
Haunted by the future
Back and forth
Day in, day out
Every day again
Over and over
It never ends
It's torture
One memory after another
One worry after another
One foreboding after another
Hoping
Wishing
Bargaining
Panicking
Crying
Remembering yesterday
Living today
Dreading tomorrow
Moment by moment
Letting go
Taking back
Letting go
Taking back
Not ready to let go
My head says one thing
My heart another
It just won't listen
It's too stubborn
Too deeply attached to stop loving
Too optimistic to despair
To foolish to give up
And yet
Accept it must
But at what cost!
Crushing heaviness
Powerless resignation
Passive acquiescence
Melancholy loneliness
No!
Everything in me rebels
I banish the thought
I take a deep breath
I am not alone
And never will be
God has not forsaken me
He envelopes me in love
He gives me hope
I give Him trust
He is good
Always good
Amen
I feel your pain, friend, for I am walking the same road. I lay here in the dark listening to her deep breaths as she sleeps, and I feel the warmth of her next to me. Even though I am losing a little bit of her every day, here in the darkness all is as it was. But a time is coming too soon, when her breath will be stilled and it will be dark and cold here in this place. Nothing will be the same as it is right now. I guess in a way that's a source of comfort, knowing that the present won't be the same as the future. Because if it's going to be different, maybe it will be better in some ways? My memories of her will bring much joy, but also deep sadness. I think it's a good trade. I don't like the sadness, but I so much want the joy. I wish I didn't have to take them together, but they are opposite twins that can't be separated. Will my companions Sorrow and Suffering become Joy and Peace, as they did for Much-Afraid? Perhaps. But that's a transformation that is yet in the future for you and for me, my friend. Here is the song that's on my heavy heart today: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZInWGC5L2T8
ReplyDeleteAlways look forward (if that's even the right way to put it) to hearing your perspective, Mike. Thank you. As far as I know, there's only One Way to mend a broken heart! So let's continue in Hope...the future won't look like the present, even though it may be a while in coming. In the meantime, we continue to put our shoulders to the task in front of us. Blessings to you and your bride!
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