Alone

It hit me hard this weekend, as I wandered aimlessly and procrastinated halfheartedly, accomplishing nothing under a sad, dark cloud of impending doom, that there's a really good chance that soon -- maybe not next year or the year after, but soon -- I'm going to be alone, partnerless, adrift in a sea of grief, bobbing up and down as wave after wave knocks me about mercilessly. Permanently.

And what troubles me about this is not that I'm going to be getting older and older, but that I'm going to be getting older and older by myself instead of with my man to hold my hand and look into my eyes and tell me everything is going to be okay. My mom once told me that what she missed most as a widow was hugs from her husband. I think I understand that now, because you can get hugs all day long, but those aren't the same as one hug from the one you love.

I'm going to spend the rest of my mortal life navigating stormy waters on my own instead of with my man to share thoughts and ideas with, to make plans with, to solve problems with. Family and close friends will of course be there for me, and that's wonderful and helpful and encouraging and good, but they're busy with their own lives. Though they will do their best to fill the chasm, it won't be the same as two people working together as one, reaching decisions about the future together as one, and moving forward with life together as one.

Couples won't invite me to do things with them any more. Actually, they already don't. In social circles, I am and will be the square peg in the corner, that awkward reminder of what awaits every couple, sooner or later. Nobody wants that around!

No. I'll be alone. All alone. Probably.

I'm reminded of that Brenda Lee song, "All Alone Am I":  "All alone am I ever since your goodbye. All alone, with just the beat of my heart. People all around, but I don't hear a sound. Just the lonely beating of my heart."

That's how I felt today as I walked along the waterfront. It used to be a favorite pastime, walking for a while, sitting on one of the park benches to eat a cupcake or take a picture, meandering to a coffee shop or back to the car; now it's just a reminder. Tick tock. Tick tock.

But God! God is a husband to the husbandless and a father to the fatherless. He will sustain me, guide me, comfort me. He will look out for me. He has been, is, and will be my ever present help in time of trouble. He will never leave me, nor will he ever forsake me. He is my refuge, my strength. He is faithful. He keeps His promises. In Him, all things are possible.

You see? Just as I was sinking in the mire of self-pity and despair, He rescued me and reminded me that there's nothing today or tomorrow or the day after can bring that the two of us can't handle. Together. He's got my back. And I am so grateful!