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| At least I can see him! |
Being pretty much stuck in the house due to the COVID-19 shelter-in-place orders leaves lots of time for thinking. Perhaps too much. As my husband's condition has continued to deteriorate in what seems to me to be an accelerated manner as he slips away from me inexorably, I find that I am spending an unhealthy amount of time in morose thought, self-flagellating over rocks I must have left unturned. Things I wish I'd done differently or not done at all. Things I've said that should have been left unsaid. Things I've not said that I now find myself repeating to him over and over again, hoping to make up for all those lost opportunities. Sometimes, I do get the impression that my words and actions are finding their target in his heart. I certainly hope so, anyway.
One of the thoughts that torments me to the point of sobbing is wondering just how aware he might be of his situation, with no way of escaping or expressing his thoughts and fears. Is he content? Is he at peace? Or is he struggling to be understood, living a nightmare in the prison that is his failing mind and body? Is it torture for him the way it is for me? I really hope not. I really hope his thoughts are fleeting and forgotten before they can be confusing. And I really hope he isn't in pain. Pain on top of all this would be adding insult to injury in a way I might not be able to handle emotionally.
The end of March and beginning of April saw four not-so-great anniversaries come and go for us, all in just over a week. Four anniversaries of loss and heartache and bitter pills, including my husband's diagnosis, his placement, and my mother's death. No wonder the past few weeks have been especially difficult. No wonder I felt as though I had been thrown against a wall and could barely breath under the crushing heaviness of it all.
It occurs to me that those same four painful anniversaries will revisit us every year for the rest of our days. They'll revisit me, anyway. Heaven help me.
Chris, this one really touched my heart. I have wondered the same things; does she know what's happening to her, or are her internal senses as dull as her expressions appear to be? I don't know that we will ever know the answers to such questions, but it seems to me that if we act as if they can still understand, then we can at least know that we did our best to communicate our heart and our understanding.
ReplyDeleteI would not allow these thoughts to drag you down, but use them as a springboard or a reminder to speak to him straight out as if he were "all there". What is there to lose? So by all means let him know that you know he might be trapped inside himself and unable to express his thoughts to you. But that you still love him. Tell him what's going on in your life. Talk about all the things you would have talked with him about before. Acknowledge that he is probably frustrated that he cannot communicate back to you, and that it will be a one-way conversation. But let him know you want to talk with him whether or not he can reciprocate.
In that way, no matter what happens, you have done your best.
After both of you are free of this disease, it will not matter. He won't care about what you couldn't say, or about missed opportunities or any of that. And if you sieze the time you have, you will have few regrets. For my part, I find myself becoming impatient and sharp at times. I'm getting better, but still there is no excuse. But your words are a great reminder to me that I need to sieze these moments right now, while I still can. I fear that by this time next year she will no longer remember me...
Anyway, you are a great encouragement to me. Hang in there, friend! You are doing a great job with this!
You have no idea what an encouragement you are to me, my friend. Your words are so true and so well expressed. I know, sometimes, it must be hard for you to read my blog, tracking as you are not far behind (just as sometimes it's hard for me to read yours, realizing I could have done this or that differently to make things smoother for us). I guess our blogs are cautionary tales for those who are not yet where we are! Blessings to you and your beloved. Even if she doesn't remember "you," she'll know you: the kind, compassionate, forebearing, gentle person who so lovingly cares for her.
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