This Is Real

Our son and I went to decorate my husband's grave with a Christmas wreath today as part of the Wreath Project at the Sacramento Valley National Cemetery. The graves will all receive this honor next week, but families are invited to participate early; and, for obvious reasons, we wanted to be the ones to decorate this particular grave.

If you have never been to a national cemetery, driving through the gate, down the flag-lined lane, past rows and rows of identical headstones meticulously placed just so, the thick grass kept very green and manicured with military precision, is a breathtaking experience. Here, each grave is maintained beautifully as a matter of honor. It makes an impression.

It is a privilege to visit my husband's grave, knowing there won't be weeds covering his grave marker as there so heartbreakingly often are at the cemetery where my parents are buried, where the barest decent minimum is done. But I digress again.

As our son and I stepped out of our vehicle, walked across the grass to my husband's grave, and placed our wreath, I was again overwhelmed by the enormity of the great chasm of separation that exists between my husband and me now. Or maybe it's just a thin veil. Either way, he's gone, and I'm not. Not yet, anyhow. 

It slapped me in the face once more, as it always does when I'm there looking at his headstone, that this is real. Really real. Even though I still half expect him to be watching television downstairs when I go down there, or almost hear him coming through the door announcing his presence with an, "I'm home!" Even though I can nearly sense his presence sometimes, or maybe that's just me wishing I could.

I guess I still can't believe he's gone. It hits me like a ton of bricks every time. My heart breaks. Again. And I cry. Again. Still. How I miss him and wish things were different. But they aren't, and perhaps I'll learn to accept that. Someday.

If you would like to help honor the veterans who are buried at this National Cemetery, donations are accepted year-round for this "home grown" project. There are over 40,000 veterans buried in this cemetery, which was opened in 2006. Donation instructions here.