We were watching a little PBS this evening, and on came a Glen Campbell fundraiser special, "Good Times Again." The songs were, of course, a throwback to younger days. It's easy to look back with rose-colored glasses, but those times held plenty of heartache in them, too, just as all times do. Retrospect is a funny thing, though, and as long as a song or skit doesn't remind you of struggles in your life, it's a feel-good experience to take a walk down memory lane.
During the "call-in" portions of the program, much was made of Mr. Campbell's struggle with Alzheimer's, his "poignant and courageous" final tour, the video of the tour that's available as a thank-you gift, etc. It was put together in a very emotional, heart-tugging way that's designed to make you pick up the phone and call. Or maybe it just made me emotional and tugged at my heart.
Returning to the musical programming, there was Mr. Campbell, smiling, wittily telling a story about meeting his hero. Eloquent. Expressive. Playful. Ten years ago. I drew parallels without meaning to, instinctively.
Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, I completely lost it. Overwhelmed, I had to leave the room. I didn't want to upset my husband by bursting into tears in front of him. There I was, crying like a baby. Sobbing, even.
You see, even when you think you're holding it together pretty well when caring for a loved one with this disease, especially your most special someone, it doesn't take much to peel off the glossy veneer of self-control and reveal the raw desperation you sometimes feel when facing the uncertainty...or maybe it's the certainty...of the future. It's heartbreaking.
Hi Chrissie,
ReplyDeleteI recently discovered your blog and as someone whose husband also has Alzheimers, it really spoke to me. I agree with you that the glossy (sometimes tarnished!) veneer can be paper thin. It reminds me, though, of the saying, "we grow strong in the broken places." Wishing you strength when that veneer gets thin.
Thank you for the encouraging words, and right back at you! Some days (as you know), you have to dig pretty deep. How long ago was your husband diagnosed, if you don't mind my asking, and what stage of the disease would you say he's in?
DeleteHe was diagnosed in July 2016 and was in stage 4 then. He developed dementia-related psychosis and aggression, so I had to move him to residential care in Sept. 2016. I'd say now he's between stages 5 and 6. I miss him like crazy.
DeleteOf course you do! As my friend said today (she just had to place her husband a couple of weeks ago), it's easier to love him now he's not at home. It was getting tough for her. It's been tough for me for a while now, though I don't dwell on that aspect much in my blog. I can't bring myself to be that transparent yet, I guess. My husband is in Stage 6 (diagnosed in 2010).
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