Debbie Downer

In the three weeks since I posted "You're My Friend," a lot has unfortunately changed. You see, my good friend has had to place her dear husband. It's impossible for me to convey to you the feelings that this has stirred in me. Please don't misunderstand me. I completely support her decision. Only the person who has been providing care 24x7 for years can possibly know what it's like, and she realized that placement was best for both of them at this time. I mentioned in my previous post that her husband was not being his usual self, and things rapidly deteriorated.

I hear from you that you enjoy my posts, that they encourage you, uplift you, and give you some sense of what this journey is like. I sincerely hope you are reading between the lines and looking past my general cheerfulness. I'm optimistic and joyful and encouraging by nature and most of the time. But sometimes, believe me, it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. (And, yes, kind reader who felt it necessary to "warn" me years ago, I was and am perfectly aware that the future holds more surprises. Yay. And I forgive you for laughing at what you thought was my naivete at the time. This is not, however, my first rodeo.)

So, about my feelings. I'm sure you're probably aware that I don't post a lot of things I could be writing about right now. I will do so at some point, but it just doesn't feel helpful to discuss negative experiences such as sleeplessness, wandering, toileting, bathing (or lack of it), combativeness, aggression, and other wonderful stuff while I am feeling so beaten down and discouraged.

We and our friends have been a foursome for several years, meeting out and about, taking day trips and even cruises together, hanging out together, supporting each other. And now that has all changed. Just how it has all changed remains to be seen; but, naturally, plans have been cancelled and dates have been postponed. My friend's attention will be required elsewhere.

And so, even though I know it is not true, today I feel cut off and abandoned. Because I am so tired from days and weeks and months of stress and fractured sleep, I also feel suffocated, exhausted, demoralized. My mind is wandering to places that are dark and dreary. Places with no lights at the ends of tunnels. I wonder how long it will be before I'm forced to make the decision my friend has made. And that makes me cry out to the Lord in despair. I am desperate for the lies to be torn down so I can see past them to the truth and embrace it. I am just so, so tired. And I apologize to you for this "Debbie Downer" post.