I Get Emotional Sometimes

We were watching a little PBS this evening, and on came a Glen Campbell fundraiser special, "Good Times Again." The songs were, of course, a throwback to younger days. It's easy to look back with rose-colored glasses, but those times held plenty of heartache in them, too, just as all times do. Retrospect is a funny thing, though, and as long as a song or skit doesn't remind you of struggles in your life, it's a feel-good experience to take a walk down memory lane.

During the "call-in" portions of the program, much was made of Mr. Campbell's struggle with Alzheimer's, his "poignant and courageous" final tour, the video of the tour that's available as a thank-you gift, etc. It was put together in a very emotional, heart-tugging way that's designed to make you pick up the phone and call. Or maybe it just made me emotional and tugged at my heart.

Returning to the musical programming, there was Mr. Campbell, smiling, wittily telling a story about meeting his hero. Eloquent. Expressive. Playful. Ten years ago. I drew parallels without meaning to, instinctively.

Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, I completely lost it. Overwhelmed, I had to leave the room. I didn't want to upset my husband by bursting into tears in front of him. There I was, crying like a baby. Sobbing, even.

You see, even when you think you're holding it together pretty well when caring for a loved one with this disease, especially your most special someone, it doesn't take much to peel off the glossy veneer of self-control and reveal the raw desperation you sometimes feel when facing the uncertainty...or maybe it's the certainty...of the future. It's heartbreaking.

Are We Married?

Hi, again,

For the last couple of weeks, we've been having an interesting conversation as we cuddle before going to sleep. Yes, we still cuddle. You should, too.

He asks, "Are we married?" very tenderly.

I answer, "Yes, we are."

"How long have we been married?"

"43 years."

"43 YEARS?! How old am I?!"

"You're 65."

"65?! How old are you?"

"63."

"Wow."

"Yes, indeed. Wow."

And then, after a brief pause, "Has it always been this good?"

Come on! How sweet is that?! Tears come to my eyes as I answer, "You know, all marriages have their ups and downs. But [why ruin the moment?] yes, it's been mostly good."

And he seems very happy at that moment. You would have to know this man to know that such sentimentality is not something that flows lightly from his lips. And so, even though this disease sucks and makes me so, so angry, these moments are a treasure to me. I'm writing this down so I don't forget. This memory is a keeper.