Final Arrangements

December 6, 2018

When my father died, I went with my mother to the funeral home and to the church to arrange for his burial and memorial services. She had been hit hard by his demise, as is generally the case, and she was in no condition to make even the slightest decision. Instead, she just looked at me, her eyes tearful and pleading for it to all go away. It was an effort for her to breathe, and she was utterly devastated and in a fog. It broke my heart, which was already hanging by a thread because of my dad's death. It wasn't even an unexpected death, as he had been suffering from dementia for years and had suffered a major stroke almost a year before his transition to Heaven. Yet, when the end of life comes, it always seems to be a surprise. One is never quite ready for that last breath. Ever.

I have been thinking it would be a good idea to get the initial planning underway, should my husband predecease me, so I won't be caught flatfooted and completely unprepared when the time comes. The hospice chaplain had brought up the subject during our visit, and I decided I'd put it off long enough. So this afternoon, I went to see our local funeral director.

I've known him on a professional level for years, as I was the administrator at a church and had assisted the pastor and the undertaker at countless services. I appreciated the caring way he had shepherded families through this difficult process in the past, and so I had made an appointment to talk things over. He couldn't have been nicer, and I was pleased that he remembered me.

I told him what I had in mind, and he helped me to think through what was needed without pressuring me, "up selling" me, or making me feel like a cold, heartless person for asking him mercenary but necessary questions about costs. He gave me all the information I needed in order to come up with a basic plan, more or less firm but allowing for unforeseen circumstances. Then I went to the church to lay a foundational outline there, basically giving the administrator a "heads up" and receiving much information and encouragement in return. The world is full of good people who want to be helpful.

Feeling relieved to have taken an important and difficult step, I did what anyone would do under the circumstances:  I had a massage to get rid of the tension in my neck and shoulders! Caregivers, self-care is so important. Believe me, I know it is difficult to set aside time for yourself. But for your own health -- physical, emotional, spiritual -- and well being, it's vital that you do so. As others have been telling me for years, you won't be able to take care of your beloved if you haven't taken care of yourself. Please take this to heart, because it's true. I learned it the hard way.