Tears on My Pillow

My Dearest,

Today when I greeted you with a big smile and a hug, you hugged me back. And then you chuckled as you wrapped your arm around me and pulled me tightly to your side. Did you know me? Were you responding to me, or were you simply responding to a friendly face and physical closeness?

When I leave, do you miss me? I hope not! I hope that by the time I walk out the door, you've forgotten all about me and moved on to whatever is next in your day. Because it tears me up to think there's even the possibility that you might wonder where I've gone off to and when I'll be back. Please don't do that.

I can't imagine what it's like inside your head, because you can't tell me what you're thinking or feeling. You were acting as though something might be causing you pain, but you couldn't tell me what or show me where. So I asked the Med Tech to keep an eye on you to see if he could figure out what might be bothering you, and he said he would. Did he? I hope so. I have to trust that he did, and it's gut-wrenching to have to trust others that way.

So tonight as I was praying for you and for those who take care of you, I cried. I cried because I can't help you. I cried because I can't take care of you myself the way you deserve to be taken care of. I cried because you aren't here with me, and I don't know how to be me without you.

I miss you. I miss you enough for both of us. Please don't be missing me, my love. I'll be back before you know it. I hope.

Desperate for you,
Me

You Don't Know Me

You're glad to see me
Most of the time,
But your eyes tell me
You don't know me.
Usually,
But not always.

You greet me the way
You would greet anyone
Stopping by:
A hint of a smile.
Usually,
But not always.

You allow me to
Hold your hand
Gently
And to stroke your arm
Softly
And to kiss your cheek
Tenderly.
Usually,
But not always.

You walk with me
In the courtyard
As I prattle on,
But you're
Not really engaging,
Not really noticing.
Usually,
But not always.

You seem distracted.
Your attention wanders.
You answer my questions
Monosyllabically.
Sometimes,
If at all.

And when I leave
With a "see you soon,"
You don't seem to care.
I'm just that woman
Who looks at you
Adoringly
And smiles at you
Brightly
With sadness in her eyes.

Your gaze doesn't follow me
To the door.
You're already elsewhere.
You don't see me
Hanging my head,
Blinking back tears
As I hurry away.

I'm just a ghost
Of your past life,
So you don't know me,
Or you can't place me.
Usually.
But I know you, my love.