A Pat on the Back

The other day, one of the newer residents (I'll call him "Joe") at my husband's place was having a very difficult time. He was extremely agitated, wanting his wife to come get him, wanting to go home, threatening to take his own life, break things, steal booze and drink himself to death. Loudly. Desperately. It broke my heart.

Joe is usually a sweet, sweet man, though he's been known to toss his cane across the room in a moment of frustration. Sometimes, when he's disoriented, he sees me across the room, points at me, and says, "I know you!" He's conversational (obviously) and always greets me with a smile and a cheerful "Hello!" He can be found playing dominos and chatting away at a table with some of the more abled residents.

But he's having a time of it adjusting to being away from home, when he remembers he isn't home. And, of course, he desperately wants to be with his wife, at home, during those moments. He asks where she is, when she'll be back, gets tears in his eyes. Not everyone is as crazy as I am; most people place their loved one in a care facility at the start of aggressive agitation. I don't blame them, because it can be pretty scary. And dangerous.

Anyhow, Joe, my husband, and I were all in the "quiet" living room. Since I have a pretty good relationship with Joe and was feeling deep compassion, I went over to him as my husband sat on a nearby couch and softly "chatted him down from the ledge," as it were, with my hand gently on his shoulder the way I always do when speaking with him. As Joe began to calm down, my husband (who had by all appearances been slouching on the couch taking a nap in oblivion) suddenly stood up and walked slowly in our direction. He looked me right in the eye, gave me a half smile, and patted me on the shoulder encouragingly as he passed by.

Now, you can think whatever you like about the situation. Maybe he does this all the time with the caregivers. Maybe he didn't know who I was at all, but I do know it was an "atta girl." He was offering me support and telling me I was doing well. It was a gift, another precious moment.

His body and his mind might be failing him, but there is nothing wrong with his spirit.